let go

happy friday :)

I'm writing this post to take a break from studying for electric networks. This cartoon basically describes my life.
Anyway when I started my break I went on facebook to look at my pictures. I began to go to older pictures of myself and started realizing some things. I do not look happy now. I look terrible. It makes me kind of sad. Not in a depressing I hate how i look im to fat way, it's in my eyes. When i look at pictures of myself from highschool, or even the beginning of freshman year, I had this light in them that has some what dulled now. It really makes me sad. I miss being happy. It all changed when i began to hate how i look. I never use to think about how i look or what i ate. I never cared. My friends in highschool didn't care. We were always happy just being together. Now things have changed. When i went to college i started to eat because i felt like i had to. That's when my relationship with food became altered. I began to eat because i was bored, or because i felt like people were looking at me if i didn't. I never had those feelings before. Before college, I ate what i wanted when i wanted. I think I began to associate food with not being alone. I was scared going to college. I was scared I wasn't good enough. I was scared I wouldn't make friends. Most of all I was afraid to fail. I was afraid that if I wasn't perfect I wouldn't be good enough. I still feel that way sometimes. I'm trying to learn how to accept myself as I am as perfect. I'm never gonna be the girl who can get straight A's without trying hard. I'm never gonna be the girl who gets straight A's. At least not in my major. I'm gonna have to learn how to be okay with being the girl who works her ass of and gets B's and C's. I need to learn that when something doesn't go the way i planned, maybe it's not meant to be. Something one of my tutors told me once that has always stuck with me is,
" God has a plan for all of us, he will let us know what it is when we need to, until then we need to trust in him." 
I am determined to make that my new mantra. Now I am not deeply religious by any means. I do believe there is a plan and i believe everything happens for a reason, but i will never push my religion on anyone else nor will i tell people that is the way to find happiness. I believe for me, it may be a start. Nothing I am doing now is bringing me peace so I must try something new.
This is not necessarily going to be easy for me. I love to be in control. It makes me extremely uneasy not knowing what is going to happen, but thats life, and at the end of the day, that's the best part of life. The unexpected is what brought me my boyfriend. The unexpected is allowed me to meet my best friends. The unexpected I have found is often the hardest, but the most amazing things come from it.

So heres my plan for the next week or so.
1. trust in God.
2. study my hiney off
3. breathe
4. workout
5. anytime i feel a binge or bad feeling come on, take 10 deep breaths and allow myself to feel whatever feeling i have. I need to start learning how to accept those feelings and not burry them.


Does anyone else get overwhelmed in planning they forget to enjoy life?
Has anyone else ever felt like this?