snow day .... or not

good morning everyone :)
Hi guys! how is everyone this morning? im okay, had a mini binge this morning but not awful, and I'm not letting it effect the rest of my day ! positivity baby!
Anyway i woke up this morning to SNOW!!! Honestly, this is the first time all winter i have. I hate snow, i really do. but i thought i was gonna get a snow day..... no such luck. apparently, our college doesn't like snow days... oh well. but today i decided is going to be a great day! god gave us today so why waste it! but everyone just have a great day!

New month, New beginnings

Well, it's not a new month just yet but it almost is, and it's a new week so close enough. Anyway I haven't had the best month, but it also hasn't been the worst. I've binged and had some issues with eating, but I've also had some really great days! I've seen my body change due to exercise, I'm growing to love my body more, and trust myself. I'm also deciding to start journaling asap. As in tomorrow morning. I'm using this as an outlet a long with actual journaling. So today im starting new.
First things first,
10 things im thankful for that happened today
1. Spending all morning with my boyfriend
2. sleeping in
3. relaxing
4. the amazing breakfast my boyfriend made me
5. watching greys anatamoy
6. not having to do homework
7. my realization that weight will come and go
8. my determination to do and get better
9. my determination to not only think of food
10. my wonderful life god has given me

I want to start doing these things more. i sometimes forget how lucky i am and just how blessed i am. God gave me this wonderful life and i owe it to him to live it the best way i can and not put food above him or anything else. I need to start putting God first in my life and i will!
have a great week and see yall tomorrow ;)

let go

happy friday :)

I'm writing this post to take a break from studying for electric networks. This cartoon basically describes my life.
Anyway when I started my break I went on facebook to look at my pictures. I began to go to older pictures of myself and started realizing some things. I do not look happy now. I look terrible. It makes me kind of sad. Not in a depressing I hate how i look im to fat way, it's in my eyes. When i look at pictures of myself from highschool, or even the beginning of freshman year, I had this light in them that has some what dulled now. It really makes me sad. I miss being happy. It all changed when i began to hate how i look. I never use to think about how i look or what i ate. I never cared. My friends in highschool didn't care. We were always happy just being together. Now things have changed. When i went to college i started to eat because i felt like i had to. That's when my relationship with food became altered. I began to eat because i was bored, or because i felt like people were looking at me if i didn't. I never had those feelings before. Before college, I ate what i wanted when i wanted. I think I began to associate food with not being alone. I was scared going to college. I was scared I wasn't good enough. I was scared I wouldn't make friends. Most of all I was afraid to fail. I was afraid that if I wasn't perfect I wouldn't be good enough. I still feel that way sometimes. I'm trying to learn how to accept myself as I am as perfect. I'm never gonna be the girl who can get straight A's without trying hard. I'm never gonna be the girl who gets straight A's. At least not in my major. I'm gonna have to learn how to be okay with being the girl who works her ass of and gets B's and C's. I need to learn that when something doesn't go the way i planned, maybe it's not meant to be. Something one of my tutors told me once that has always stuck with me is,
" God has a plan for all of us, he will let us know what it is when we need to, until then we need to trust in him." 
I am determined to make that my new mantra. Now I am not deeply religious by any means. I do believe there is a plan and i believe everything happens for a reason, but i will never push my religion on anyone else nor will i tell people that is the way to find happiness. I believe for me, it may be a start. Nothing I am doing now is bringing me peace so I must try something new.
This is not necessarily going to be easy for me. I love to be in control. It makes me extremely uneasy not knowing what is going to happen, but thats life, and at the end of the day, that's the best part of life. The unexpected is what brought me my boyfriend. The unexpected is allowed me to meet my best friends. The unexpected I have found is often the hardest, but the most amazing things come from it.

So heres my plan for the next week or so.
1. trust in God.
2. study my hiney off
3. breathe
4. workout
5. anytime i feel a binge or bad feeling come on, take 10 deep breaths and allow myself to feel whatever feeling i have. I need to start learning how to accept those feelings and not burry them.


Does anyone else get overwhelmed in planning they forget to enjoy life?
Has anyone else ever felt like this?

MIDTERMS

happy wednesday everyone!!
How is your morning treating you so far?
Mine is hectic, I've been up since about 7 doing homework and about to start studying for a test in 8 minutes. So i have to make this post quick. Midterms are starting to get the best of me.... Well i just need sleep actually. haha Honestly after these two weeks are over im going to sleep for at least 24 hours. I CANNOT WAIT!!! I'm also excited to go to bar and crossfit class tonight, they really are the only things that calm me down when i struggle.
have a wonderful wednesday :)

have midterms ever got the best of anyone else?
How do you deal with stress?

friends

Good Morning :)
HAPPY TUESDAY!
first thing, before i get to the happy. I had a very rough day yesterday. My teacher embaressed me in the middle of class, and then i got an upsetting email. It was just not my best day. I was so upset I had a binge. It wasnt very good. Im trying very hard not to get upset with myself. It will get better. Today will be good!!!

Anyway, lets talk about friends. Lately in college i have had alot of difficulty finding real friends at school. I have an absolutely amazing boyfriend, really hes amazing. We have been dating for almost a year (yikes!) Last semester alot of my friends got somewhat jealous, and began to leave me out. The beginning of this semster got so much worse. they were rude and just not good people, I don't wanna go into details but it was bad. I decided these people didn't make me happy, they were not meant to be in my life and I realized I was better without them. I have a small group of close friends here at school and they are wonderful but nothing compares to my friends from home. Honestly, last night I called them in the middle of the night because I was so upset about what happened,they picked up on the second ring. It truly reminded me that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter the amount of friends you have, it's the quality of friends that matter. I am extremely lucky to have friends who love me as much as my friends from home do. They are my inspiration for today. They are why I am not binging right now when i want to more than anything in the world. I want the feeling of not being good enough to be numbed and i feel like that is the only way to. Im thinking of my friends from home and thinking how important it is for me to be happy and healthy next time i see them, so I WILL NOT BINGE. I will be healthy for them and I will have a better day today.

Has anyone else ever experienced this type of friendship?

Any given Sunday.

Hello and Happy Sunday :)

Today was an odd day. It started by me not waking up until 10 or 1030, and for anyone who knows me, knows this is crazy. I'm always up with the sun. Anyway after that i began doing homework from 11-6. Electric Networks may be the death of me. I cannot believe the day is already mostly over. For some reason, I have always loved Sundays. They are meant to be relaxing and they are a chance for you to start a new week in a good way. I love having a lazy morning and doing what i enjoy sunday afternoons. I always end sundays watching movies. Its just one of the best days in my opinion. Today, although not as relaxing as i would like, was still good. It allowed me to have fun on saturday.

Anyway I don't want this blog to be all about having an eating disorder and what not. I'm looking forward to becoming the best I can in all aspects of my life. Which includes just sharing my daily happenings and making friends :) I'm a very friendly person and would love to talk to anyone!! I'm excited to bring this blog together more and really have it blossom :) Anyway im back to more homework. 

Anyone else hate doing 6+ hours of homework? How do you stay motivated?

Whats your favorite day of the week?

recovery day 1

Hi!
I created a blog today for the soul purpose of recovery. I currently am suffering from an eating disorder. I am well aware millions of girls suffer from this same disease. I want to get better and on my road to getting better I wish to help others get better. Self- image is such a huge part of our society, I CAN'T HATE MINE ANYMORE. I CAN'T LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND HATE MYSELF. I CAN'T GO ON LIVING THIS WAY. I use to adore life, I use to enjoy food and have an extremely healthy relationship with it. That has changed, for the worse. I will explain more as time goes on and as I get ready to reveal more. As of right now im just attempting to start this. I have no idea how to so any suggestions anyone can offer would be amazing!
- thanks, ill post more later once i figure out what im doing :)